College Being

This evening, while looking for cooking tips on the Internet, I noticed that some of Google’s “Suggestions” for search terms were rather unusual. Keep in mind, in order for a search term to show up as a suggestion, it has to be entered a number of times by a number of different people. Remembering that, here are some of my favorites garnered by entering the phrase “How To” and then a random letter or couple of letters.

How to Rock Cocaine (for those who don’t know, to “Rock” cocaine means to cook it into crack)
How to Roll a Joint Youtube
How to Roll a Blunt youtube
How to Roll a J
How to roll a doobie
How to be emo
How to be a ninja
How to be a gangster (“We’re such nerds, we’re looking up ‘money laundering’ in the dictionary” –Office Space)
How to deep throat
How to do a kickflip
How to do an ollie (Apparently a lot of skaters use Google)
How to eat a woman (I really hope this one refers to oral sex)
How to fight
How to finger a lady (This is a prime example of why I tend to use the word “lady” when referring to a woman. It gives even the most tasteless statement a certain air of class)
How to get a divorce
How to hack a school server
How to join the freemasons
How to kiss
How to kiss someone passionately
How to kiss a guy
How to kiss a girl in the movies (Interestingly specific)
How to kiss really good
How to kiss amazingly (the sheer number of search variants on “How to kiss” is a little depressing, but I have to say “How to kiss really good” is my favorite)
How to love (Well that’s just sad)
How to lick out
How to make a grilled cheese sandwich (Dude, really? Make cheese sandwich. Grill as desired. Even I can do that. Jesus)
How to make brown (Not sure I want to know)
How to make out video (In case text instructions of how to make out just don’t cut it)
How to not be scared
How to not look old
How to not get a hangover
How to not get a girl pregnant (…)
How to poop (Honestly, I would have thought you’d pretty much figured that out before you were able to use Google effectively)
How to quit vi (vi is a Unix/Linux word processing and file editing program. I assume they’re looking for commands, but I like to think of it as someone looking for help with a shell script addiction)
How to smoke (Just to provide a fair counterpoint to everyone searching “how to quit smoking”)
How to touch a girl (This really raises more questions than it answers)

And there you have it. Google, we salute you, and your ability to teach us how to smoke, poop, finger a lady, and rock cocaine.