College Being

We’ve all tasted cheap beer. You know that toe-curling malt liquor every college student forces down their gullets on Thursday nights. But hey, what’s college for anyways?

I get it, you’re a broke student on the verge of splurging next month’s rent on cheap thrills and bad decisions. At the same time, it’s not exactly in the budget to drain your entire student checking pounding expensive beer. You can only afford cheap beer. Plus there are more important things to pay for like ramen noodles, electricity, and books.

But you should be warned, there are some downright nasty cheap beers on the market. Join me in a sampling of the 7 worst tasting beers you’d only drink in college:

1. “Camo 24 High-Gravity Lager”

As a rule of thumb “high-gravity” means you’re quicker to the floor. This stuff tastes like a rusty nail, and it’s typically more expensive than Busch Light. Why would you trade “watered-down goodness” for “rusty nail afterburner?”

2. “Big Flats”

There’s a reason Walgreen’s sells this for $2.99 per 6-pack. You can barely buy a 6-pack of cola at that price. Save the $2.99 for Subway coupons or Jimmy John’s customer appreciation days. You’re going to need to eat, and the dollar menu at McDonald’s will taste 100 times better.

3. “St. Ides Malt Liquor”

It’s cheap, bang for the buck, but you’re going to regret choking down that bitter nastiness. Whenever you see someone take a swig of St. Ides, and admit with watery eyes that “it’s not that bad” – then they’re blatantly lying, and you should run the other direction.   

4. “Colt 45 High-Gravity”

**Refer to #1

5. “Hamm’s”

This stuff is a meal in a can. Drinking it is similar to lopping up too much gravy on Thanksgiving Day while simultaneously pounding fruit cake. It’s a brick in your stomach. Not to mention your grandfather drank Hamm’s, and I guarantee the recipe hasn’t changed.

6. “Steel Reserve 211 High Gravity”

Whoa. Buddy. Even the name is scary. Who wants to drink something named “Steel Reserve?” It’s like they bottled and aged Chuck Norris for 60 years before selling to college kids and gangbangers. Not to mention its science:
“High Gravity” x 211 = 211% better chance of you not graduating.
Stay away from this, unless you can withstand multiple roundhouse kicks to the face by Chuck Norris.

7. “Milwaukee’s Best Dry” (or “Milwaukee’s Best Ice” – both equally horrible)

If you’re going to stoop low and drink “The Beast” – please drink “Milwaukee’s Best Light.” At least the after effects on your stomach are manageable. Plus you’re going to look like the Marlboro Man strolling into a party carrying a case of Old Milwaukee’s. Wrong party old man…

In general your best bet is to stick with Natural Light, Busch Light, or Keystone. None are outstanding, but for the price they can quickly lube up your college experience. Happy indulgence!

Phil is launching a shower beer revolution one koozie at a time. If you enjoy beer in the shower like most college students, hop over to Shakoozie.com now!